Banter- to abuse or amuse- an example

Recently I had an argument with somebody significant in my life. It was over a text I sent them thinking it was funny and a joke (the punctuation was there!)however by sending it, I inadvertently ruined their night as well as my own. I did not realise that thy felt this way so carried on as usual.

Then something happened while I was out that really upset me. All I wanted to do was talk to this person however they were on a weekend away with their friends. I didn't want to talk to them for long. However, even when I told them it was important, still annoyed and aware of my intoxicated state, they refused to pick up their phone agitating me even more- queue a stream of unpleasant texts from both ends which I now regret.

My point however is a lot of people say they would anything for a friend but how far would you go? I often pick up calls from friends while they are drunk at 3am just to check that they are safe. However he pointed out that he would not ask me to pick up the phone if the situation was reversed. 

I always thought and have been told that boyfriends/girlfriends/ friends even after a severe argument would pick up the phone at any hour if they could to speak to the other if they were told it was serious. My friends have told me that this is correct and when someone you love is in need, whatever the situation, if you can , you would pick up the phone. They say he's being stubborn and just generating an argument but I can see his point, I just don't agree or understand but maybe it's because I am too blinded by other elements of the situation. I probably didn't help myself by not telling him the whole story however I didn't want to ruin his weekend further. 

My friend and her boyfriend argue all the time and she rarely has a leg to stand on but they manage to kiss and make up. That's the thing about relationships though, they are as unique as we are and what works for some may not work for others. 

I don't know who's right in this situation or even if there is someone who's right. Maybe it is just two different points of view both with valid arguments.

In the end, the argument should be a lot smaller in perspective to the relationship and it should be able to overcome the argument as a result. It definitely is in my eyes. 

I can't help but wonder however if someone wanted you to call, saying it was important and you were busy, how busy would you be to not consider picking up the phone if you had access to it? Would they be right to feel key down or is it more than that?

There are other people I could have called in the situation I suppose and explained it too and maybe I should have called someone less busy, however when somebody means so much, they are the one you instinctively go running to.

How fashion saved me

Fashion isn't often credited for being inclusive or helping people to get through however it helped me significantly. It saved me almost.People often see it as a way of defining people and not them to be shallow, the fashion set are looked on as cool and as royalty to people like me but to some outsiders, they seem ridiculous and far too absorbed in a material world. I however found it to be a saving grace. In secondary school, there are many things that you can be judged on and it seems that there is nothing more important than the opinions of your peers. Fashion was a world I could escape to because my actual world wasn't too great, the glamour and the notion of knowing that somewhere designers were planning what would be worn by many next season and replicated a thousand times over on the high street. When I sat alone in maths class and people were whispering about me, I could block it out by figuring out what I was going to buy for the upcoming season and doing sums of my own.e.g. pinafore dress + checked shirt +long pearl necklace + patterned tights = the perfect nod to the punk trend. This helped me get through numerous maths lessons which were traumatic for me because people would whisper about me, the teacher couldn't control the class and I wasn't particularly interested in the significance of ridiculous number that starts 3.1415 (from my memory, it could be wrong). I used to buy a lot of magazines (Look, Elle, Vogue, Glamour, Grazia) and they would help me to focus on something else, a world that I one day had a hope of being in. People accuse fashion of being taken too seriously but I enjoyed that there was tragedy, controversy, art, creativity and so much more in the fashion world. It can laugh at itself, Anna Wintour is extremely respected in the fashion world but ridiculed by some of the outside. I felt that it was ok that I was bullied because one day I could be included in something bigger and it wouldn't matter what people at school were saying.

People also always seemed to see me differently on non- school uniform days when I was in clothes that were normal and fashionable and actually complimented me on these days which I found amazing. The day that I started being seen differently by my peers was on the day of a Geography field day trip where we were allowed to wear our own clothes. I'd made a normal amount of effort and hadn't put on anything extra special, just some black, skinny jeans, pumps, a tightish t-shirt and a leather jacket but everyone seemed to see me differently that day. The boys said I was fit and the girls loved what I was wearing, I was still the same person but dressed differently. It made me stand out and be included all at the same time and I'm forever grateful for that.

Fashion gave me a sense of being and I recently started writing fashion articles for the university magazine which has given me even more confidence.

You should try and find something that allows you an escape and make you feel like you can do something worthwhile whether you're feeling low or being bullied, it's important to find.

Rivalry (University)

I have been a university student for just over a year now and while I love my university and my enjoy my time here immensely, one of the things that bugs me is the rivalry between us and the other university in the city.

I write this in the wake of having heard a few too many stories in the aftermath of Freshers' Week of people from the other university starting on students from ours. It is probably fair to say that our students have been doing the same to some of their's too however the point is, that it is not acceptable under any condition to shout abuse at one another in the street just because you belong to a different educational institution. 

A point that I would like to consider is that we are all here to get a degree, we will probably be fighting for the same job at a point in our life, why are we starting it early? We are all intelligent and have got to university because of the hard work we have done in the past, for it to be insinuated that some of us care less about our courses or are poorer than those who attend one that is higher in the league table is just abominable. This is not the 1800s, class should no longer be an issue or a disadvantage to the opportunities we have in life and cruelly taunting people that it may really touches a nerve. 

I'd also love to point out to the boys of the city that using the chat up line, 'oh we can't be friends because you go to the other uni so we can only shag instead' is not a compliment, nor going to get you in to bed. Nor is 'oh you look too clever to go there', you are insulting me, my intelligence and my university which I (shockingly) do not take kindly to. I know the majority of people use this half halfheartedly and would never insist on taking it seriously however lately, it has become apparent that some do. The shock when we met some guys in a queue from the another university the other night and they asked if we had made any friends from their uni since being here and I told them my boyfriend had gone there was met with shock and congratulations (to my boyfriend, not me, which I can only assume is a boy thing trying to pull someone from the other uni?!)

I understand that university rivalries are usually started to keep a healthy competition between sports teams and this is fine however it seems that it has spread dramatically to all parts of university life from meeting people on nights out to societies to local organisations holding events pitting one university against another. The chanting and rivalry during the Varsity season is fine as it is a way to celebrate the sports and passion for your university but for the rest of the year, we should be able to go without making insults at one another.

I know that many people do it just for the laughs and that is fine but it seems to be becoming more of an issue and it seems to have gotten a bit more seriously lately. 90% of people see it as a laugh and think nothing of it but anybody taking it seriously needs a good talking to.

However, just because somebody happens to be wearing a t shirt or hoodie with the other university's name on it is not an excuse to shout abuse at them, or insult them. That is a form of bullying and unacceptable by all means. It is wise to remember that sometimes people pick a university because they like the city and put both universities down, one as a firm and one as insurance, which means that had things gone a little differently, you could have ended up being friends.

Ideally, I'd like to see a bigger collaboration between he two universities and although they do happily advertise events the other puts on and collaborate on events together, I would like to see this be rolled out in to societies and all parts of the universities and their students' unions as we are all students trying to live in one city together alongside each other. 

Being tough

Sometimes I wonder if I was tougher when I was getting bullied then I am now.  I am a very sensitive person anyway but since people don't say mean things to me everyday anymore, I find it hard when they do. I think it's almost unhealthy. I don't know why words affect me quite so badly but they do. I assume that things were easier to ignore when I was getting bullied because I just got so used to hearing them, I ignored, the words were overused and had a weaker effect. I don't know if it is something that the bullying left or just me but any time someone says something slightly negative about me or something I have done, it feels like I've been stabbed. I don't know why it has such a harsh affect on me but I find it hard to stop myself taking it personally. I feel like that person getting bullied, weak and as if whatever I say or do will be mocked even though now it's not the same. I hate feeling this way, I hate that sometimes my eyes sting with tears in these situations, especially if I'm already out of my comfort zone but it seems that I can't get over it. 

I hope I find a way to not link the pain I feel now to the pain I did then but I don't know why it's so strong. 

Find those moments

In the past few years, I have had some incredible moments, moments where I think yes, this is why I'm alive, this is incredible, I'm living and it's a good life. 

When you feel like giving up, vow to find those moments. It might take a few years but you will get there. It may be something as small as laughing as hard a possible at something silly a friend says, seeing a band live or something bigger, a whole year, fresher's week. Something you feel so incredibly grateful for and get a sense of feeling overjoyed. These moments make everything seem worth it, they make it feel like the bullying hasn't affected me and maybe that's why I find such joy in them. It's hard to get out of bed sometimes and go to work or school especially knowing that it won't be easy and there will be mean people there however seek these moments and use them as your motivation to get up each day and live your life. You never know where they will happen. It might just be a feeling that you belong After years of being forced to feel that you don't fit in somewhere. It may only be a second of realisation or a reflection after the moment has passed. These times are important, they remind you how beautiful life can be and why you need to go and live it. That doesn't mean changing everything or even making a drastic change, just do something you haven't before and take a few more chances. The moment may be something completely normal for everyone else but to you everything will feel good and you will feel like nothing can ever go wrong. Get up and go to work or school each day and live your life normally as it comes, you will still find these moments. They are important especially if you have been feeling low in the past. 

A confession...

Unfortunately, lately I have come to hear of but not experience bullying in my workplace. This is hard for me to take not only because I am so close to those feeling victimized but because I can't do much about it except be there for the people involved. I feel bad that I can't help explicitly or get directly involved but I am doing what I can to be there for those feeling victimized. Being there for someone while they are being bullied is important and never underestimate the power of being a friend in a time of need. The key feeling of those who are bullied is often loneliness so letting someone know that you are there for them if you cannot do anything to help the situation directly is important. Also, do not let them feel that you are treating them any differently to anyone else because this will make them feel even more alienated and doubt how genuine your concerns are. If everyone is gossiping about them, their trust in others will be minimal. Never break that trust, if they tell you something in confidence, honour it unless they are dangerous, otherwise they will retreat even more until they are no longer noticeable. 

Freedom

This year I have found total freedom and it feels great. Freedom obviously because of the whole university thing, living away from home and everything. Moving away from home however gave me another type of freedom, it meant that I would no longer come across those who had bullied me in everyday life and once school was over, the place where the bullying had taken place had disappeared from my life.

The freedom I'm talking about is the one that involves participating and not holding back. This is something I have struggled with exceptionally in the past as I have mentioned in previous posts. University or life in general has given me the opportunity to do things I've always wanted to do yet been too scared to because of what people would do in response or the fact that such things would't be well received. 

No matter how much I do and how my confidence improves, I still feel like someone could come and say 'no' and it could all be taken away from me which is why I'm determined to make the most of it all. 

Freedom is not about acceptance from other people but it is often perceived as that. It is about thinking, speaking and acting freely. It is a bout realising that you can think, say and do things without other people telling you that they are wrong, it's about living without boundaries that people put up for you.
When I was being bullied, I became scared to say or do anything for fear of being mocked and put down even more. It felt like whatever I did, someone would say something mean or laugh at me for.

This year however, I have realised that I am my own person and I no longer have the boundaries others once put in place for me. I felt scared to move outside my comfort zone because if I did, something or someone would hurt me and I'd retreat back in to it because I couldn't bare the constant criticism. I've realised that the bullies aren't around me physically anymore.

I still haven't gotten over every fear and I often  wonder if I ever will, it's something that I am constantly working on but they won't all go away just because I have a day of doing something different, it will certainly help but it is an ongoing progress. I still think there are things that I can't do but I hope gradually pushing myself will get me there. It's a brilliant feeling to think that the bullies are no longer there and people laugh at me now because I'm funny or doing something silly not because they are making fun of me in a nasty way. I feel free and like I can accomplish things without people or myself stopping me for the first time for a long time. I've found my freedom and that's one of the most crucial things to find whether you have been bullied or not. 

Why didn't I leave?

I sometimes get asked why I stayed somewhere that made me so unhappy for so long and why I didn't just go to another school. I mean my parents did ask me but I declined the offer to move me somewhere else. Not only because I know it would have been hassle but I was convinced that the same thing would happen there too. The bullies had reduced me to having such a low opinion of myself that I felt that I didn't deserve to be anywhere else because I couldn't fit in where I was. How could I fit in anywhere else? The problem would still occur there. Even once the problem was gone, I would be there and I would become the problem. The thing I got bullied for may have gone but I would always have been the girl who had had such an issue, I would still have the stigma attached. I guess another part of the reason I didn't leave is because I felt that the bullies should see that I could do well for myself and I also hoped that one day they would see me in a different light. This day came for me eventually however the stigma never fully went away. I did get to show everyone eventually that I was just the same and it worked so I guess I got Lu ky .

Things I've learnt (more to come!)

1) the bullies aim to make you weak
2) the bullies will always be against you unless one day you turn up looking fit.
3) the bullies will leave someday
4) as long as you ride it out, things will get better.
5) you will encounter many opportunities in later life that you appreciate more because of the bullying and realise how lucky you are.
6) it will get better.
7) how you feel has a lot to do with your mindset
8 the bullies want to make you weak but if you continue through, you'll be stronger, happier and prouder then ever.
9) you are who you are and you can only change that because you know you can be a better person and you want to be.
10) just because someone is more popular than you doesn't mean that they are a nicer or better person (Regina George?!)
11) you can't base what you've done by comparing it to someone else- you've had different backgrounds and experiences.
12) people are valuable but where they're from, what they've done doesn't necessarily make them more valuable than others/
13) if people are talking about you in a bad way behind your back than they don't deserve to have you as anything meaningful.

Here are a few brilliantly positive and motivational quotes if you ever feel like you're lost or down (click on the link)

http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/27aWax/:1JyNIe4v+:Z2hP1HA./www.fromupnorth.com/great-quotes-549/

University!

I am now in my second semester at university and I'm pleased to say that it was the right and probably the best decision I have ever made. I have been so lucky to meet so many lovely and amazing people and have such incredible opportunities at my fingertips. I am really happy here.
Despite all my reservations about coming to university and living with new people, making friends and everything else I was worried about, I haven't done too badly. I'm living with two of my flatmates in a house next year.
I've joined a sports team (rowing in case you're interested) and I get on well with them and this is a big thing for me particularly as sports at school used to be one of my worst nightmares, the bullying didn't stop on the football pitch or netball court. Although my confidence has been very limited in this and has affected not only my performance but my social  abilities too- I have intentionally skipped crew class because I feel inadequate. (please note this is because of my own insecurity not because of the team who are all lovely) however I am improving which gives me a little bit more faith in my self.

The biggest battle by far has been inclusion, university is a weird experience as you have to bond with the people you live with fairly quickly, I'd known the girls I'm living with next year for just over two months when we signed for our house. It's odd how you seem to be automatically included in everything at university- well it was to me as I hadn't been included in that much before. Of course, throwing myself in to activities and social events hasn't been easy for me but I've tried and worked hard to do it and I think I've done ok. I haven't bonded quite as quickly or as tightly as others seem to but I'm ok with that, because I've come a long way from the days where I felt the need to exclude myself from every social activity as I felt nobody wanted me there. I have found it exceptionally difficult at times and have tried to find reasons not to go to social gatherings and last minute nerves have kicked in at times but I've braved it and always been glad that I did. I fill with dread when a tutor says 'get in to groups' but I'm finding it a lot easier to find people to group with here- I don't whether that's a university thing in general or because I feel there's less of a stigma attached to me now. I also have to take  in to consideration that many people knew each other before they attended university or went to events with housemates or course friends and I felt that I needed to do to that independently as I often felt uncomfortable walking around school by myself and  I felt I was more likely to be protected if my friends were there however I also felt like a burden on them when abuse did get yelled at me even thought it was always directed at me - I felt bad that they had to tolerate it. This has proved difficult at uni as your friends usually view your friends as their's too which is really nice. The only thing with this however, is that I never want anybody to be ashamed to be seen with me or to be my friend so I try my best to make an effort although it proves difficult sometimes to be my true self when you're trying to get people to like you or find you tolerable at least. This is why I come across as quiet until you get to know me. I hate the fact that bullying has shaped me in this way and made an area in which I was already weak, even weaker in. It's not the fact they hurt me I hate- it's the way I let them change me and make me weak. I have been told and it is evident however (by the fact I have friends here) that I'm not doing too badly at this. Hopefully in the future I won't be so scared to make a first impression as my true self rather than a protected version. I know not everybody's going to like me because there will always be people who don't however it would be good to take away a good few valuable friends at the end of three years. I see this opportunity as a way to make up for any time I lost at school because of the bullies but also because of myself academically and socially.
I didn't try as hard as possible with my studies in year 13 because I was trying to make up for lost time with my social life and that was something I knew I had to sacrifice. I didn't need AAB to get in and I didn't (and still don't) see that as a bad thing because that wasn't as important to me as getting over things that had impacted me for so long.

Another incredible thing is that I have people to live with next year. I've gone from the girl who nobody would want to sit next to on the school bus or in class let alone share a room with on a school trip to being someone who two people are willing to live with next year. This is a huge step for me especially as what I was bullied for in the beginning was such a personal issue and I've never felt comfortable with people in a living space. This will probably provide challenge fore next year but I confident that I can overcome them.

The best thing is never once have I wished that I'd put in more work and gone to a different university and never once have I wished to belong anywhere else or be someone else. This is probably the happiest I've ever been and even though sometimes the bullies or abuse still haunts and I occasionally feel lonely, I try to remember how much things have improved and how lucky I am. I've come such a long way from the (psychological) place I was in, I couldn't possibly be ungrateful now. I'm fiercely proud of everything I am or have been a part of from nursery to university yet only part of it is my pride for getting through this far.

Smile, see all the beautiful things in this world :D

Too many people moan and stress about things that aren't important and won't matter a year from now. Even if what you do goes wrong or not the way you planned, it's not the end of the world and life still goes on regardless. The bullying will cease one day. You will move away from it at some point or hopefully they'll come to their senses and stop. Until it does however, it is important that you find something to look forward to.

Once I got through my depression, (I never got professionally diagnosed so was never on anti depressants or anything) I realised that the world wasn't such a bad place once I could see through what was in front of me. At first I'd find big things to look forward to like people's birthdays, or going shopping in London or seeing relatives. Then I'd see beauty in smaller things such as a butterfly or the sun or a new dress. After that, I realised, I was incredibly lucky, to have friends that had stuck by me when nobody else had, who tried to understand me and what I was going through. My family, especially my parents even though they probably never knew the true extent of what was going on (due to me) are just amazing and have supported me through everything. I had things even in those darkest days to look forward to such as dance class or going home and not being judged. I didn't need to be well liked in both places, to have just one person there would have been enough although I was lucky enough to have more than that to get me through. If there's one place you can go to forget about it all or think about it all and that gives you solace, then you're fortunate to have that. If there's a person you can go and tell everything to without being judged, then you are incredibly lucky too.

The real secret to happiness is in how you see the world. You will find it so much easier to get through all the bullying or hurt that occurs if you just think about things in a more positive light and get someone to tell you good things about yourself. It is often a gradual acceptance of the fact that not everything in the world is bad and your life is fine as it is. If you look at things in a positive way, life is a lot easier to get through. It is also wise to remember that everybody has troubles in life and very few people wear them on their sleeve because it hurts too much and it is too painful to get through life that way, accepting them is enough. Therefore neither should you, nor should you let people's unworthy actions and words put you in a place that can make you feel inadequate or worthless.

The Crowd

Bullies single you out often because you are in some way different to them or what is perceived as normal.In my experience, it started out as being bullied for one thing but then it gradually became more and more things particularly the stupid things such as how I'd done my make up or what music I was listening too  (even though they'd play it non stop two months later). This meant that it got harder to face large crowds of people because I knew that as soon as one person started to make fun, the others would soon join in. Peer pressure plays a large part in bullying and not only did it mean people who came across as being a friend to me when on their own started to join in with the bullying due to pressure from others. Obviously, nobody wants to be a loser for hanging out with the uncoolest person in school, popular and known in most year groups for all the wrong reasons.

These crowds weren't just in my year, they were the year above, the years below. It is intimidating when a group of people who don't even know your name, let alone you call you names and can make you cry almost everywhere you go, you are bound to bump in to one of them, on the school bus, there's a group as on the field, in lessons. I wasn't as clever as my friends so I wasn't always in the same classes as them and the classes where they weren't there were particularly unpleasant. So, I'd sit by myself intentionally and pretend not to hear what they were saying because it was all I could do to hold back the tears. The other thing about bullies is that they are encouraged by reactions and retaliations - even if you say something back, often they'll attack you even further. I was ashamed to be different in any way to the crowd so the more they bullied me, the harder I'd try to be like them with what I wore and what I listened to however if the uncool kid is trying to be like you, it's not really a compliment. It's almost impossible to battle the crowd. It's already been decided they fit in and they don't therefore you can't be liked and are an outcast. The individual members of the crowd aren't necessarily bad people but together they are horrible, all bouncing off each other's jibes. Anything they can find unusual or different about you, they'll pick on and they will feel they have to to be part of that crowd. I hope I'd have been stronger than them if it was the other way around but I can't promise that  would have happened and that is probably the worst thing yet at the same time, it means I can't hate them for what they did to me because I can't be sure that, had it been someone else on the outside, I'd have had the heart to go against the crowd. However, in year 7, I made friends with a year 11, she got bullied too (this was before I did) and I would sit with her even though she got abuse and food hurled at her and consequently, it would occasionally be thrown at me too. The thing about the crowd is they are the weak ones, depending on others for support, for a voice, to be heard or part of something horrible but perceived as cool. If you're being bullied, I urge you to remain strong with this thought in mind and also, the hope that one day someone will refuse to be in the crowd and stand with you instead.

These crowds are interesting because as long as there's someone outside of them, it means that their points are valid and have support. It's about fitting in and standing out at the same time. People are always going to want to be part of that crowd because they fear that if they aren't, they will be the one on outside of the crowd being laughed at however they fail to realize that if they really wanted to or could, they could stop the crowd from being effective and help the person on the outside. So if you can, try not to be part of that crowd. Stand out and fit in for the right reasons.

Life Change

So, my life is about to change and really change in a huge way. I'm going to university in a couple of weeks. I'm moving from London to Sheffield and away from everyone I know at the moment. And the thing is, while I'm pleased I'm going, there is a certain sadness in saying bye to friends and family and the way that the time has gone so fast. I feel like the room is spinning all the time at the moment, like you know that feeling when you've had too many drinks and the room starts spinning and you can't control it? But that's my favourite feeling in the world at the moment because it seems to match my mental state. It's excitement, emotion and craziness all mixed in to one. I'm scared yes, I don't know why, but excited too. I think I'm scared that it will be the same as secondary school and I'll get bullied again and it seems scarier this time because I'll be living with people and it could potentially be a living hell. Although, I also know I could make more best friends for life there and there will be many new exciting things to do. I'm also scared that I won't make friends because I'll be too guarded - something the bullies have created in me. Many times, I tried to reach out to people in secondary school, they would turn their backs on me and laugh. I have always been a little shy but they increased this, it's almost like I've got a personal fence around me where I can look out and see what's happening with the rest of the world but feel like they don't want me to be included so I don't join in on the presumption that they don't want me too. This is probably why it is rare for me to develop really close friends, even if some of my closest friends plan to do something, it is unlikely that I will invite myself or join in without them requesting me to do so. I am however going to try to push myself at university and I've already started doing it here- going to events that are general, where I only know a few people. I'd prefer not to be known as a wallflower but a person who is active rather than just an observer.

Another reason for my anxiety is that I am very happy with my life here and now and I haven't felt this way for very long so I don't want wreck it all by making a bad decision. Potentially, the weirdest (or stupidest) thing about this decision is that I have never been to Sheffield before, I haven't visited the university, I am basing this decision on gut instinct. I know if it's right, it will be the best experience ever but if it's wrong, it will be awful. I am beginning to wonder why I'm sacrificing such a prosperous life here for one where anything could happen but then this seems like the next natural stage in life, happiness and experience. It also seems like one final shot at laughing at the bullies and to move on from all that and put them behind me.

Wish me luck!
STOP & STAND  UP.