University!

I am now in my second semester at university and I'm pleased to say that it was the right and probably the best decision I have ever made. I have been so lucky to meet so many lovely and amazing people and have such incredible opportunities at my fingertips. I am really happy here.
Despite all my reservations about coming to university and living with new people, making friends and everything else I was worried about, I haven't done too badly. I'm living with two of my flatmates in a house next year.
I've joined a sports team (rowing in case you're interested) and I get on well with them and this is a big thing for me particularly as sports at school used to be one of my worst nightmares, the bullying didn't stop on the football pitch or netball court. Although my confidence has been very limited in this and has affected not only my performance but my social  abilities too- I have intentionally skipped crew class because I feel inadequate. (please note this is because of my own insecurity not because of the team who are all lovely) however I am improving which gives me a little bit more faith in my self.

The biggest battle by far has been inclusion, university is a weird experience as you have to bond with the people you live with fairly quickly, I'd known the girls I'm living with next year for just over two months when we signed for our house. It's odd how you seem to be automatically included in everything at university- well it was to me as I hadn't been included in that much before. Of course, throwing myself in to activities and social events hasn't been easy for me but I've tried and worked hard to do it and I think I've done ok. I haven't bonded quite as quickly or as tightly as others seem to but I'm ok with that, because I've come a long way from the days where I felt the need to exclude myself from every social activity as I felt nobody wanted me there. I have found it exceptionally difficult at times and have tried to find reasons not to go to social gatherings and last minute nerves have kicked in at times but I've braved it and always been glad that I did. I fill with dread when a tutor says 'get in to groups' but I'm finding it a lot easier to find people to group with here- I don't whether that's a university thing in general or because I feel there's less of a stigma attached to me now. I also have to take  in to consideration that many people knew each other before they attended university or went to events with housemates or course friends and I felt that I needed to do to that independently as I often felt uncomfortable walking around school by myself and  I felt I was more likely to be protected if my friends were there however I also felt like a burden on them when abuse did get yelled at me even thought it was always directed at me - I felt bad that they had to tolerate it. This has proved difficult at uni as your friends usually view your friends as their's too which is really nice. The only thing with this however, is that I never want anybody to be ashamed to be seen with me or to be my friend so I try my best to make an effort although it proves difficult sometimes to be my true self when you're trying to get people to like you or find you tolerable at least. This is why I come across as quiet until you get to know me. I hate the fact that bullying has shaped me in this way and made an area in which I was already weak, even weaker in. It's not the fact they hurt me I hate- it's the way I let them change me and make me weak. I have been told and it is evident however (by the fact I have friends here) that I'm not doing too badly at this. Hopefully in the future I won't be so scared to make a first impression as my true self rather than a protected version. I know not everybody's going to like me because there will always be people who don't however it would be good to take away a good few valuable friends at the end of three years. I see this opportunity as a way to make up for any time I lost at school because of the bullies but also because of myself academically and socially.
I didn't try as hard as possible with my studies in year 13 because I was trying to make up for lost time with my social life and that was something I knew I had to sacrifice. I didn't need AAB to get in and I didn't (and still don't) see that as a bad thing because that wasn't as important to me as getting over things that had impacted me for so long.

Another incredible thing is that I have people to live with next year. I've gone from the girl who nobody would want to sit next to on the school bus or in class let alone share a room with on a school trip to being someone who two people are willing to live with next year. This is a huge step for me especially as what I was bullied for in the beginning was such a personal issue and I've never felt comfortable with people in a living space. This will probably provide challenge fore next year but I confident that I can overcome them.

The best thing is never once have I wished that I'd put in more work and gone to a different university and never once have I wished to belong anywhere else or be someone else. This is probably the happiest I've ever been and even though sometimes the bullies or abuse still haunts and I occasionally feel lonely, I try to remember how much things have improved and how lucky I am. I've come such a long way from the (psychological) place I was in, I couldn't possibly be ungrateful now. I'm fiercely proud of everything I am or have been a part of from nursery to university yet only part of it is my pride for getting through this far.