University!

I am now in my second semester at university and I'm pleased to say that it was the right and probably the best decision I have ever made. I have been so lucky to meet so many lovely and amazing people and have such incredible opportunities at my fingertips. I am really happy here.
Despite all my reservations about coming to university and living with new people, making friends and everything else I was worried about, I haven't done too badly. I'm living with two of my flatmates in a house next year.
I've joined a sports team (rowing in case you're interested) and I get on well with them and this is a big thing for me particularly as sports at school used to be one of my worst nightmares, the bullying didn't stop on the football pitch or netball court. Although my confidence has been very limited in this and has affected not only my performance but my social  abilities too- I have intentionally skipped crew class because I feel inadequate. (please note this is because of my own insecurity not because of the team who are all lovely) however I am improving which gives me a little bit more faith in my self.

The biggest battle by far has been inclusion, university is a weird experience as you have to bond with the people you live with fairly quickly, I'd known the girls I'm living with next year for just over two months when we signed for our house. It's odd how you seem to be automatically included in everything at university- well it was to me as I hadn't been included in that much before. Of course, throwing myself in to activities and social events hasn't been easy for me but I've tried and worked hard to do it and I think I've done ok. I haven't bonded quite as quickly or as tightly as others seem to but I'm ok with that, because I've come a long way from the days where I felt the need to exclude myself from every social activity as I felt nobody wanted me there. I have found it exceptionally difficult at times and have tried to find reasons not to go to social gatherings and last minute nerves have kicked in at times but I've braved it and always been glad that I did. I fill with dread when a tutor says 'get in to groups' but I'm finding it a lot easier to find people to group with here- I don't whether that's a university thing in general or because I feel there's less of a stigma attached to me now. I also have to take  in to consideration that many people knew each other before they attended university or went to events with housemates or course friends and I felt that I needed to do to that independently as I often felt uncomfortable walking around school by myself and  I felt I was more likely to be protected if my friends were there however I also felt like a burden on them when abuse did get yelled at me even thought it was always directed at me - I felt bad that they had to tolerate it. This has proved difficult at uni as your friends usually view your friends as their's too which is really nice. The only thing with this however, is that I never want anybody to be ashamed to be seen with me or to be my friend so I try my best to make an effort although it proves difficult sometimes to be my true self when you're trying to get people to like you or find you tolerable at least. This is why I come across as quiet until you get to know me. I hate the fact that bullying has shaped me in this way and made an area in which I was already weak, even weaker in. It's not the fact they hurt me I hate- it's the way I let them change me and make me weak. I have been told and it is evident however (by the fact I have friends here) that I'm not doing too badly at this. Hopefully in the future I won't be so scared to make a first impression as my true self rather than a protected version. I know not everybody's going to like me because there will always be people who don't however it would be good to take away a good few valuable friends at the end of three years. I see this opportunity as a way to make up for any time I lost at school because of the bullies but also because of myself academically and socially.
I didn't try as hard as possible with my studies in year 13 because I was trying to make up for lost time with my social life and that was something I knew I had to sacrifice. I didn't need AAB to get in and I didn't (and still don't) see that as a bad thing because that wasn't as important to me as getting over things that had impacted me for so long.

Another incredible thing is that I have people to live with next year. I've gone from the girl who nobody would want to sit next to on the school bus or in class let alone share a room with on a school trip to being someone who two people are willing to live with next year. This is a huge step for me especially as what I was bullied for in the beginning was such a personal issue and I've never felt comfortable with people in a living space. This will probably provide challenge fore next year but I confident that I can overcome them.

The best thing is never once have I wished that I'd put in more work and gone to a different university and never once have I wished to belong anywhere else or be someone else. This is probably the happiest I've ever been and even though sometimes the bullies or abuse still haunts and I occasionally feel lonely, I try to remember how much things have improved and how lucky I am. I've come such a long way from the (psychological) place I was in, I couldn't possibly be ungrateful now. I'm fiercely proud of everything I am or have been a part of from nursery to university yet only part of it is my pride for getting through this far.

Smile, see all the beautiful things in this world :D

Too many people moan and stress about things that aren't important and won't matter a year from now. Even if what you do goes wrong or not the way you planned, it's not the end of the world and life still goes on regardless. The bullying will cease one day. You will move away from it at some point or hopefully they'll come to their senses and stop. Until it does however, it is important that you find something to look forward to.

Once I got through my depression, (I never got professionally diagnosed so was never on anti depressants or anything) I realised that the world wasn't such a bad place once I could see through what was in front of me. At first I'd find big things to look forward to like people's birthdays, or going shopping in London or seeing relatives. Then I'd see beauty in smaller things such as a butterfly or the sun or a new dress. After that, I realised, I was incredibly lucky, to have friends that had stuck by me when nobody else had, who tried to understand me and what I was going through. My family, especially my parents even though they probably never knew the true extent of what was going on (due to me) are just amazing and have supported me through everything. I had things even in those darkest days to look forward to such as dance class or going home and not being judged. I didn't need to be well liked in both places, to have just one person there would have been enough although I was lucky enough to have more than that to get me through. If there's one place you can go to forget about it all or think about it all and that gives you solace, then you're fortunate to have that. If there's a person you can go and tell everything to without being judged, then you are incredibly lucky too.

The real secret to happiness is in how you see the world. You will find it so much easier to get through all the bullying or hurt that occurs if you just think about things in a more positive light and get someone to tell you good things about yourself. It is often a gradual acceptance of the fact that not everything in the world is bad and your life is fine as it is. If you look at things in a positive way, life is a lot easier to get through. It is also wise to remember that everybody has troubles in life and very few people wear them on their sleeve because it hurts too much and it is too painful to get through life that way, accepting them is enough. Therefore neither should you, nor should you let people's unworthy actions and words put you in a place that can make you feel inadequate or worthless.

The Crowd

Bullies single you out often because you are in some way different to them or what is perceived as normal.In my experience, it started out as being bullied for one thing but then it gradually became more and more things particularly the stupid things such as how I'd done my make up or what music I was listening too  (even though they'd play it non stop two months later). This meant that it got harder to face large crowds of people because I knew that as soon as one person started to make fun, the others would soon join in. Peer pressure plays a large part in bullying and not only did it mean people who came across as being a friend to me when on their own started to join in with the bullying due to pressure from others. Obviously, nobody wants to be a loser for hanging out with the uncoolest person in school, popular and known in most year groups for all the wrong reasons.

These crowds weren't just in my year, they were the year above, the years below. It is intimidating when a group of people who don't even know your name, let alone you call you names and can make you cry almost everywhere you go, you are bound to bump in to one of them, on the school bus, there's a group as on the field, in lessons. I wasn't as clever as my friends so I wasn't always in the same classes as them and the classes where they weren't there were particularly unpleasant. So, I'd sit by myself intentionally and pretend not to hear what they were saying because it was all I could do to hold back the tears. The other thing about bullies is that they are encouraged by reactions and retaliations - even if you say something back, often they'll attack you even further. I was ashamed to be different in any way to the crowd so the more they bullied me, the harder I'd try to be like them with what I wore and what I listened to however if the uncool kid is trying to be like you, it's not really a compliment. It's almost impossible to battle the crowd. It's already been decided they fit in and they don't therefore you can't be liked and are an outcast. The individual members of the crowd aren't necessarily bad people but together they are horrible, all bouncing off each other's jibes. Anything they can find unusual or different about you, they'll pick on and they will feel they have to to be part of that crowd. I hope I'd have been stronger than them if it was the other way around but I can't promise that  would have happened and that is probably the worst thing yet at the same time, it means I can't hate them for what they did to me because I can't be sure that, had it been someone else on the outside, I'd have had the heart to go against the crowd. However, in year 7, I made friends with a year 11, she got bullied too (this was before I did) and I would sit with her even though she got abuse and food hurled at her and consequently, it would occasionally be thrown at me too. The thing about the crowd is they are the weak ones, depending on others for support, for a voice, to be heard or part of something horrible but perceived as cool. If you're being bullied, I urge you to remain strong with this thought in mind and also, the hope that one day someone will refuse to be in the crowd and stand with you instead.

These crowds are interesting because as long as there's someone outside of them, it means that their points are valid and have support. It's about fitting in and standing out at the same time. People are always going to want to be part of that crowd because they fear that if they aren't, they will be the one on outside of the crowd being laughed at however they fail to realize that if they really wanted to or could, they could stop the crowd from being effective and help the person on the outside. So if you can, try not to be part of that crowd. Stand out and fit in for the right reasons.