Banter- to abuse or amuse- an example

Recently I had an argument with somebody significant in my life. It was over a text I sent them thinking it was funny and a joke (the punctuation was there!)however by sending it, I inadvertently ruined their night as well as my own. I did not realise that thy felt this way so carried on as usual.

Then something happened while I was out that really upset me. All I wanted to do was talk to this person however they were on a weekend away with their friends. I didn't want to talk to them for long. However, even when I told them it was important, still annoyed and aware of my intoxicated state, they refused to pick up their phone agitating me even more- queue a stream of unpleasant texts from both ends which I now regret.

My point however is a lot of people say they would anything for a friend but how far would you go? I often pick up calls from friends while they are drunk at 3am just to check that they are safe. However he pointed out that he would not ask me to pick up the phone if the situation was reversed. 

I always thought and have been told that boyfriends/girlfriends/ friends even after a severe argument would pick up the phone at any hour if they could to speak to the other if they were told it was serious. My friends have told me that this is correct and when someone you love is in need, whatever the situation, if you can , you would pick up the phone. They say he's being stubborn and just generating an argument but I can see his point, I just don't agree or understand but maybe it's because I am too blinded by other elements of the situation. I probably didn't help myself by not telling him the whole story however I didn't want to ruin his weekend further. 

My friend and her boyfriend argue all the time and she rarely has a leg to stand on but they manage to kiss and make up. That's the thing about relationships though, they are as unique as we are and what works for some may not work for others. 

I don't know who's right in this situation or even if there is someone who's right. Maybe it is just two different points of view both with valid arguments.

In the end, the argument should be a lot smaller in perspective to the relationship and it should be able to overcome the argument as a result. It definitely is in my eyes. 

I can't help but wonder however if someone wanted you to call, saying it was important and you were busy, how busy would you be to not consider picking up the phone if you had access to it? Would they be right to feel key down or is it more than that?

There are other people I could have called in the situation I suppose and explained it too and maybe I should have called someone less busy, however when somebody means so much, they are the one you instinctively go running to.

How fashion saved me

Fashion isn't often credited for being inclusive or helping people to get through however it helped me significantly. It saved me almost.People often see it as a way of defining people and not them to be shallow, the fashion set are looked on as cool and as royalty to people like me but to some outsiders, they seem ridiculous and far too absorbed in a material world. I however found it to be a saving grace. In secondary school, there are many things that you can be judged on and it seems that there is nothing more important than the opinions of your peers. Fashion was a world I could escape to because my actual world wasn't too great, the glamour and the notion of knowing that somewhere designers were planning what would be worn by many next season and replicated a thousand times over on the high street. When I sat alone in maths class and people were whispering about me, I could block it out by figuring out what I was going to buy for the upcoming season and doing sums of my own.e.g. pinafore dress + checked shirt +long pearl necklace + patterned tights = the perfect nod to the punk trend. This helped me get through numerous maths lessons which were traumatic for me because people would whisper about me, the teacher couldn't control the class and I wasn't particularly interested in the significance of ridiculous number that starts 3.1415 (from my memory, it could be wrong). I used to buy a lot of magazines (Look, Elle, Vogue, Glamour, Grazia) and they would help me to focus on something else, a world that I one day had a hope of being in. People accuse fashion of being taken too seriously but I enjoyed that there was tragedy, controversy, art, creativity and so much more in the fashion world. It can laugh at itself, Anna Wintour is extremely respected in the fashion world but ridiculed by some of the outside. I felt that it was ok that I was bullied because one day I could be included in something bigger and it wouldn't matter what people at school were saying.

People also always seemed to see me differently on non- school uniform days when I was in clothes that were normal and fashionable and actually complimented me on these days which I found amazing. The day that I started being seen differently by my peers was on the day of a Geography field day trip where we were allowed to wear our own clothes. I'd made a normal amount of effort and hadn't put on anything extra special, just some black, skinny jeans, pumps, a tightish t-shirt and a leather jacket but everyone seemed to see me differently that day. The boys said I was fit and the girls loved what I was wearing, I was still the same person but dressed differently. It made me stand out and be included all at the same time and I'm forever grateful for that.

Fashion gave me a sense of being and I recently started writing fashion articles for the university magazine which has given me even more confidence.

You should try and find something that allows you an escape and make you feel like you can do something worthwhile whether you're feeling low or being bullied, it's important to find.

Rivalry (University)

I have been a university student for just over a year now and while I love my university and my enjoy my time here immensely, one of the things that bugs me is the rivalry between us and the other university in the city.

I write this in the wake of having heard a few too many stories in the aftermath of Freshers' Week of people from the other university starting on students from ours. It is probably fair to say that our students have been doing the same to some of their's too however the point is, that it is not acceptable under any condition to shout abuse at one another in the street just because you belong to a different educational institution. 

A point that I would like to consider is that we are all here to get a degree, we will probably be fighting for the same job at a point in our life, why are we starting it early? We are all intelligent and have got to university because of the hard work we have done in the past, for it to be insinuated that some of us care less about our courses or are poorer than those who attend one that is higher in the league table is just abominable. This is not the 1800s, class should no longer be an issue or a disadvantage to the opportunities we have in life and cruelly taunting people that it may really touches a nerve. 

I'd also love to point out to the boys of the city that using the chat up line, 'oh we can't be friends because you go to the other uni so we can only shag instead' is not a compliment, nor going to get you in to bed. Nor is 'oh you look too clever to go there', you are insulting me, my intelligence and my university which I (shockingly) do not take kindly to. I know the majority of people use this half halfheartedly and would never insist on taking it seriously however lately, it has become apparent that some do. The shock when we met some guys in a queue from the another university the other night and they asked if we had made any friends from their uni since being here and I told them my boyfriend had gone there was met with shock and congratulations (to my boyfriend, not me, which I can only assume is a boy thing trying to pull someone from the other uni?!)

I understand that university rivalries are usually started to keep a healthy competition between sports teams and this is fine however it seems that it has spread dramatically to all parts of university life from meeting people on nights out to societies to local organisations holding events pitting one university against another. The chanting and rivalry during the Varsity season is fine as it is a way to celebrate the sports and passion for your university but for the rest of the year, we should be able to go without making insults at one another.

I know that many people do it just for the laughs and that is fine but it seems to be becoming more of an issue and it seems to have gotten a bit more seriously lately. 90% of people see it as a laugh and think nothing of it but anybody taking it seriously needs a good talking to.

However, just because somebody happens to be wearing a t shirt or hoodie with the other university's name on it is not an excuse to shout abuse at them, or insult them. That is a form of bullying and unacceptable by all means. It is wise to remember that sometimes people pick a university because they like the city and put both universities down, one as a firm and one as insurance, which means that had things gone a little differently, you could have ended up being friends.

Ideally, I'd like to see a bigger collaboration between he two universities and although they do happily advertise events the other puts on and collaborate on events together, I would like to see this be rolled out in to societies and all parts of the universities and their students' unions as we are all students trying to live in one city together alongside each other. 

Being tough

Sometimes I wonder if I was tougher when I was getting bullied then I am now.  I am a very sensitive person anyway but since people don't say mean things to me everyday anymore, I find it hard when they do. I think it's almost unhealthy. I don't know why words affect me quite so badly but they do. I assume that things were easier to ignore when I was getting bullied because I just got so used to hearing them, I ignored, the words were overused and had a weaker effect. I don't know if it is something that the bullying left or just me but any time someone says something slightly negative about me or something I have done, it feels like I've been stabbed. I don't know why it has such a harsh affect on me but I find it hard to stop myself taking it personally. I feel like that person getting bullied, weak and as if whatever I say or do will be mocked even though now it's not the same. I hate feeling this way, I hate that sometimes my eyes sting with tears in these situations, especially if I'm already out of my comfort zone but it seems that I can't get over it. 

I hope I find a way to not link the pain I feel now to the pain I did then but I don't know why it's so strong. 

Find those moments

In the past few years, I have had some incredible moments, moments where I think yes, this is why I'm alive, this is incredible, I'm living and it's a good life. 

When you feel like giving up, vow to find those moments. It might take a few years but you will get there. It may be something as small as laughing as hard a possible at something silly a friend says, seeing a band live or something bigger, a whole year, fresher's week. Something you feel so incredibly grateful for and get a sense of feeling overjoyed. These moments make everything seem worth it, they make it feel like the bullying hasn't affected me and maybe that's why I find such joy in them. It's hard to get out of bed sometimes and go to work or school especially knowing that it won't be easy and there will be mean people there however seek these moments and use them as your motivation to get up each day and live your life. You never know where they will happen. It might just be a feeling that you belong After years of being forced to feel that you don't fit in somewhere. It may only be a second of realisation or a reflection after the moment has passed. These times are important, they remind you how beautiful life can be and why you need to go and live it. That doesn't mean changing everything or even making a drastic change, just do something you haven't before and take a few more chances. The moment may be something completely normal for everyone else but to you everything will feel good and you will feel like nothing can ever go wrong. Get up and go to work or school each day and live your life normally as it comes, you will still find these moments. They are important especially if you have been feeling low in the past. 

A confession...

Unfortunately, lately I have come to hear of but not experience bullying in my workplace. This is hard for me to take not only because I am so close to those feeling victimized but because I can't do much about it except be there for the people involved. I feel bad that I can't help explicitly or get directly involved but I am doing what I can to be there for those feeling victimized. Being there for someone while they are being bullied is important and never underestimate the power of being a friend in a time of need. The key feeling of those who are bullied is often loneliness so letting someone know that you are there for them if you cannot do anything to help the situation directly is important. Also, do not let them feel that you are treating them any differently to anyone else because this will make them feel even more alienated and doubt how genuine your concerns are. If everyone is gossiping about them, their trust in others will be minimal. Never break that trust, if they tell you something in confidence, honour it unless they are dangerous, otherwise they will retreat even more until they are no longer noticeable. 

Freedom

This year I have found total freedom and it feels great. Freedom obviously because of the whole university thing, living away from home and everything. Moving away from home however gave me another type of freedom, it meant that I would no longer come across those who had bullied me in everyday life and once school was over, the place where the bullying had taken place had disappeared from my life.

The freedom I'm talking about is the one that involves participating and not holding back. This is something I have struggled with exceptionally in the past as I have mentioned in previous posts. University or life in general has given me the opportunity to do things I've always wanted to do yet been too scared to because of what people would do in response or the fact that such things would't be well received. 

No matter how much I do and how my confidence improves, I still feel like someone could come and say 'no' and it could all be taken away from me which is why I'm determined to make the most of it all. 

Freedom is not about acceptance from other people but it is often perceived as that. It is about thinking, speaking and acting freely. It is a bout realising that you can think, say and do things without other people telling you that they are wrong, it's about living without boundaries that people put up for you.
When I was being bullied, I became scared to say or do anything for fear of being mocked and put down even more. It felt like whatever I did, someone would say something mean or laugh at me for.

This year however, I have realised that I am my own person and I no longer have the boundaries others once put in place for me. I felt scared to move outside my comfort zone because if I did, something or someone would hurt me and I'd retreat back in to it because I couldn't bare the constant criticism. I've realised that the bullies aren't around me physically anymore.

I still haven't gotten over every fear and I often  wonder if I ever will, it's something that I am constantly working on but they won't all go away just because I have a day of doing something different, it will certainly help but it is an ongoing progress. I still think there are things that I can't do but I hope gradually pushing myself will get me there. It's a brilliant feeling to think that the bullies are no longer there and people laugh at me now because I'm funny or doing something silly not because they are making fun of me in a nasty way. I feel free and like I can accomplish things without people or myself stopping me for the first time for a long time. I've found my freedom and that's one of the most crucial things to find whether you have been bullied or not.