Freedom

This year I have found total freedom and it feels great. Freedom obviously because of the whole university thing, living away from home and everything. Moving away from home however gave me another type of freedom, it meant that I would no longer come across those who had bullied me in everyday life and once school was over, the place where the bullying had taken place had disappeared from my life.

The freedom I'm talking about is the one that involves participating and not holding back. This is something I have struggled with exceptionally in the past as I have mentioned in previous posts. University or life in general has given me the opportunity to do things I've always wanted to do yet been too scared to because of what people would do in response or the fact that such things would't be well received. 

No matter how much I do and how my confidence improves, I still feel like someone could come and say 'no' and it could all be taken away from me which is why I'm determined to make the most of it all. 

Freedom is not about acceptance from other people but it is often perceived as that. It is about thinking, speaking and acting freely. It is a bout realising that you can think, say and do things without other people telling you that they are wrong, it's about living without boundaries that people put up for you.
When I was being bullied, I became scared to say or do anything for fear of being mocked and put down even more. It felt like whatever I did, someone would say something mean or laugh at me for.

This year however, I have realised that I am my own person and I no longer have the boundaries others once put in place for me. I felt scared to move outside my comfort zone because if I did, something or someone would hurt me and I'd retreat back in to it because I couldn't bare the constant criticism. I've realised that the bullies aren't around me physically anymore.

I still haven't gotten over every fear and I often  wonder if I ever will, it's something that I am constantly working on but they won't all go away just because I have a day of doing something different, it will certainly help but it is an ongoing progress. I still think there are things that I can't do but I hope gradually pushing myself will get me there. It's a brilliant feeling to think that the bullies are no longer there and people laugh at me now because I'm funny or doing something silly not because they are making fun of me in a nasty way. I feel free and like I can accomplish things without people or myself stopping me for the first time for a long time. I've found my freedom and that's one of the most crucial things to find whether you have been bullied or not. 

Why didn't I leave?

I sometimes get asked why I stayed somewhere that made me so unhappy for so long and why I didn't just go to another school. I mean my parents did ask me but I declined the offer to move me somewhere else. Not only because I know it would have been hassle but I was convinced that the same thing would happen there too. The bullies had reduced me to having such a low opinion of myself that I felt that I didn't deserve to be anywhere else because I couldn't fit in where I was. How could I fit in anywhere else? The problem would still occur there. Even once the problem was gone, I would be there and I would become the problem. The thing I got bullied for may have gone but I would always have been the girl who had had such an issue, I would still have the stigma attached. I guess another part of the reason I didn't leave is because I felt that the bullies should see that I could do well for myself and I also hoped that one day they would see me in a different light. This day came for me eventually however the stigma never fully went away. I did get to show everyone eventually that I was just the same and it worked so I guess I got Lu ky .