So, my life is about to change and really change in a huge way. I'm going to university in a couple of weeks. I'm moving from London to Sheffield and away from everyone I know at the moment. And the thing is, while I'm pleased I'm going, there is a certain sadness in saying bye to friends and family and the way that the time has gone so fast. I feel like the room is spinning all the time at the moment, like you know that feeling when you've had too many drinks and the room starts spinning and you can't control it? But that's my favourite feeling in the world at the moment because it seems to match my mental state. It's excitement, emotion and craziness all mixed in to one. I'm scared yes, I don't know why, but excited too. I think I'm scared that it will be the same as secondary school and I'll get bullied again and it seems scarier this time because I'll be living with people and it could potentially be a living hell. Although, I also know I could make more best friends for life there and there will be many new exciting things to do. I'm also scared that I won't make friends because I'll be too guarded - something the bullies have created in me. Many times, I tried to reach out to people in secondary school, they would turn their backs on me and laugh. I have always been a little shy but they increased this, it's almost like I've got a personal fence around me where I can look out and see what's happening with the rest of the world but feel like they don't want me to be included so I don't join in on the presumption that they don't want me too. This is probably why it is rare for me to develop really close friends, even if some of my closest friends plan to do something, it is unlikely that I will invite myself or join in without them requesting me to do so. I am however going to try to push myself at university and I've already started doing it here- going to events that are general, where I only know a few people. I'd prefer not to be known as a wallflower but a person who is active rather than just an observer.
Another reason for my anxiety is that I am very happy with my life here and now and I haven't felt this way for very long so I don't want wreck it all by making a bad decision. Potentially, the weirdest (or stupidest) thing about this decision is that I have never been to Sheffield before, I haven't visited the university, I am basing this decision on gut instinct. I know if it's right, it will be the best experience ever but if it's wrong, it will be awful. I am beginning to wonder why I'm sacrificing such a prosperous life here for one where anything could happen but then this seems like the next natural stage in life, happiness and experience. It also seems like one final shot at laughing at the bullies and to move on from all that and put them behind me.
Wish me luck!
STOP & STAND UP.
